Archaeologists in Turkey believe that they have discovered Saint Nicholas’ tomb. The discovery could settle a centuries-old debate while simultaneously crushing the lives of children around the world. Christmas could very well be canceled this year after millions of children find out that good ol’ Saint Nick has been dead for centuries unless parents and the church figure out some new lie to tell their children. Perhaps the title of Santa has been passed down over 100s of years to jolly old fat men who train their whole lives to get deliver presents to all the good girls and boys. Or maybe Santa is a cyborg these days?
The BBC reports that archaeologists believe that they may have found the final resting place of Saint Nick in a special section containing a grave site that was recently discovered in the Saint Nicholas Church, located in Antalya’s Demre district, or more commonly known as the birth place of Santa Claus. The head of Antalya’s Monument Authority, Cemil Karabayram, told reporters that he and his team came across an untouched shrine while conducting digital surveys below the surface of the church. Karabayram also believes that the shrine “has not been damaged at all, but mentioned that it will be quite hard to get to it due to all of the mosaics covering the ground of the church.
Karabayram continued by saying that they examined files from 1942 to 1966 regarding Saint Nicholas’ remains and found out that the church was burnt down, but was later reconstructed. In addition, thieves allegedly stole some bones from the church, which they thought belonged to Santa Claus, but belonged to a priest in reality. So if you bought some bones that were advertised as being Santa’s, you were unfortunately ripped off, you sick bastard. Karabayram is very optimistic about reaching Santa’s remains, saying that they may be able to reach the untouched grave.
Previously, the remains of Santa were believed to have been smuggled to the Italian city of Bari by Italian merchants in the year 1087. The Santa Claus Museum, formerly an ancient church with a sarcophagus attributed to the Christmas saint is located in the town of Demre. But this looks to have been proven false as Karabayram and his team prepare to dig into the floor of the church in search of Santa’s remains. Who knows, maybe they’ll find the Easter Bunny’s remains instead.
Saint Nicholas of Myra, which is now Demre, was known for his anonymous gift-giving and generosity. People believed he’d put coins in the shoes of anyone who left them out for him on his feast day, Dec. 6. As the story goes, he was a monk who gave away his hefty inheritance and instead chose to help the poor and the sick. He’s also a patron saint of sailors and was, obviously, especially fond of children. It was in the late 16th century that Saint Nicholas began to take on the Christmas King that we know today, Father Christmas in Europe and Santa Claus in America. It looks like families finally stop leaving out cookies and milk for Santa Claus and start making up a new version of Santa, possibly a non-offensive millennial version that identifies as a woman. Check out the rest of the article on Santa’s grave via The BBC.